How To Be A Henchman For COBRA
The 1980s were a magical time to be a kid. Entertaining cartoons were everywhere on television. And because of that, entertaining cartoon characters were for sale in every toy store in the country.
In retrospect, it was really just a money grab by the studios to cash in and milk the kids' parents dry of everything last penny that they could.
Some things never really change, what has changed is the entertainment factor of cartoon henchmen over the years.
However, with this pamphlet, you too can see if cartoon henching is for you!
Introduction
Welcome to the wonderful world of cartoon henching. If you’re reading this then you are likely interested in a career doing the dirty work for a comically inept dictator type. Some may find little difference between this and their current employment situation. It could be a lateral move at worst.
We here at the Henchmen Recruitment Center are only interested in the most skilled to hench for our wildly diverse leaders. So if you have specialized skills and are willing to do all manner of ill-conceived missions with the stated objective of world domination then cartoon henching could be for you!
Getting To Know Your Potential Boss
In the world of the 1980s cartoon villains, there are a few traits that span across all universes. Whether you’re working for Cobra Commander here on Earth or Skeletor in Eternia you can rest assured that it will be a dictatorship. There is no room for independent thought in the world of cartoon henching.
Regardless of whether your boss tells you that he wants you to attempt to take over the world via subliminal messages in a rock song or burning his face onto the moon for no other reason than to be annoying, you’ve got to be on top of it.
You may need musical skills and knowledge of how to build and operate a giant space laser. As a matter of fact, any unique and interesting skills can be used for a half baked plot to take over the world. You can be on your way up the ladder of henching in no time!
There are some downsides to this employment, however.
In an act of pure hubris, your dictator boss will often announce the plot beforehand to the enemy. When the enemy inevitably shows up to foil the scheme, your boss will then run away and blame you for the failure.
Not to fear though, no one is ever wounded in the 1980s cartoon world.
Benefits
Since you’ve read this far I suspect that you either have an interest in becoming a cartoon henchman, are moderately entertained, or are easily brainwashed. These traits and more will come in handy in your new career path.
There are several ranks within the hierarchy of evil cartoon organizations:
Level 1: These are your run of mill nameless, faceless grunts that exist as cannon fodder along with the first wave of attackers. If you are a lost soul that no longer cares about your place in the world then this is the place for you! The positive to this position is that you are never identified and thus can re-enter society if you decide that henching isn’t for you.
Level 2: You have some random skill that will earn you a nickname. Perhaps you’re a steamroller operator looking for some excitement in life. You join and get a nickname such as Road Roller and your own personal steamroller with the organization's logo emblazoned upon it. You will be financially responsible for said equipment, however.
Level 3: You have many years of cartoon henching experience and have moved up the ladder. At this point, you will then get a small group of mercenaries to boss around. Guys found passed out drunk at breakfast on Easter morning in a random Dublin bar. A comically stereotypical accent is preferred for his role.
Level 4: You have a serious skill that can be exploited by the boss if you’re recruited at this level. There is a preference for mad scientists and hypnotists here, if you are both then you just hit the jackpot and will be employed for life. The only downside is the quality of plans that you’ll be forced to implement. Making you wonder if those expensive degrees and years of internships were worth it.
Level 5: This is the level of the boss. You will not be considered for this job.
Conclusion:
If you have an interesting look, skills, or just want to join the losing team, head over to your local COBRA recruitment center. Be on your way to a not-so-lucrative career as an underling for a megalomaniacal dictator with some of the worst ideas this side of President Trump. — JMN
